Infinite Improbability
by Adia Rose
Summary: Cowritten with Lana Aurelius. The Doctor makes a trade with Arthur Dent and his quest begins. Randomness and hilarity ensues! And there are a few surprises along the way! Wink Rose may appear Wink!
1. Chapter 1

Our story begins with loss and pain, the Doctor had lost his Rose, and been left empty, nothing he could do could bring her back. Hopelessness weighed heavily on his hearts and he found himself despairingly lingering on any object, smell or thought that could remind him of his Rose. Whenever he was forced to pass her room in the Tardis he was filled with an aching sorrow, but in his most painful and agonising moments he took solace in there, comforted by his surroundings, the place which held the last essence of Rose. He would gaze longingly into the mirror, wishing hopelessly to see her smile reflected back at him from across the room. He would linger on the scent that was still held in her clothes, he would remember the moments that they had shared, he refused to forget, he refused to let her go.

We join our hero on one of these long and lonely nights where once again he had taken refuge in the only place he could feel his hearts beating once again. He had taken to the room to once again hold on to his Rose, but he also retained a firm hold on his drinks, which he was now consuming on a far too regular basis. As he started to drink, he tried to will himself into entropy, stasis, anything to numb the loneliness, but being a Time Lord, he had never quite learnt his own limits when it came to alcohol and soon found himself rather cheerier than he had been in a long while.

So we see him, struggling to just stay standing, drink in one hand and gazing admiringly – and somewhat blearily – into the mirror, his other hand pointing at his reflection as he winked and grinned like a maniac. There was also a very strange sound issuing from the Doctor, it was something like this,

"She put the lime in the coconut, she called the doctor, woke him up,"

As he sang this he performed what appeared to be a very complicated impression of a seizure but what we have actually learnt to be his idea of dancing (although this is still disputed by anyone who can actually dance.)

"And said, 'Doctor, ain't there nothin' I can take,  
I say, Doctor,"

With every elongated repetition of the word 'doctor', he sashayed his hips in what he seemed to believe an enticing manner and nodded to his reflection in approval. His drink, at this point, was finding it increasingly difficult to stay within the confines of the glass. As he performed an elaborate and overly dramatic twirl, the contents of the glass sloshed over his partially opened shirt and the doctor fell unceremoniously onto his rather bony Time Lord backside. He felt around the floor trying to find a way of getting back to his feet, not quite understanding why this was proving so much more of a challenge than usual. One hand had become stuck under Rose's bed and as he attempted to wrestle it free, sticking his legs up in the air (with the uncanny resemblance to a dying fly) in the process, his hand found something. He wrenched himself free and to his feet, still holding his discovery and now pretending that he was a pirate who has suddenly unearthed a rare and lost treasure. With a cry of,

"Arghh, me maties, yo rum ho…bottle…uh…rum? All that jazz? No that's not a pirate…ummm…arg!" He looked down to see that he was holding a skirt that Rose had left behind. He could remember how she looked in it, back in London, 1953, her face alight with smiles and the skirt hanging in its pink folds around her calves. He held the skirt against his face and then in a fleeting moment of drunken stupor decided that there could be nothing in the universe better to do at that precise moment than find out how it would look on him. So he held it up against his hips and looking at his reflection gave an enthusiastic shimmy followed by an almighty chuckle.

"I look gooood," he declared "Next regeneration I have _got_ to be a woman! I've never been a woman before, the bounciness could be exciting!" And with this exceedingly strange proclamation the Doctor sank onto Rose's bed and proceeded to pass out there, the skirt under his head as a pillow and his arm wrapped around a book that had been lying underneath him.

A.N. --- The book plays an important part in the next chapter...can you guess what it is? Banana daquiri's for anyone who guesses right...lol you never will! Anyhow what do people think? Reviews please or face the squirrelly wrath and the doctor becoming a chav! We have the power!


	2. Chapter 2

The next morning, the Doctor awoke, in a state rather unbecoming to a Time Lord. His head was throbbing like a neutron bomb, and his face was lying in a small puddle of drool that he told himself must have been from someone else as he certainly did not drool in his sleep! While he lay on Rose's bed, he looked down to discover that the sharp point he could feel digging into his ribs was a book of Rose's that he had seemed to have been using in place of a Teddy bear. Glad that no-one was around to see this behaviour he swept up the book and glanced at the cover. He read, _Green Eggs and Ham_, he arched an eyebrow as he remembered Rose mentioning the book when she had spoken of her childhood, but was nevertheless intrigued by it, wondering who on earth would want green eggs? Or green ham for that matter…why not green icing…and edible ball bearings?

A few hours later he was to be found in the console room of the Tardis, lounging on the floor deeply engrossed in Green Eggs and Ham. He had decided to flick through the book, although with much disdain, to find out why Rose had found the idea of moldy food so alluring. To his surprise however he found that the book was not about moldy food at all, but was about, in the Doctor's view, one mans struggle through life, choices, opportunities and in all the whole idea of humanity, reality and strangely enough, the meaning of life itself. It was already a truth universally accepted (by most intelligent forms of life) that the answer to the ultimate question was forty two. However, considering that the small issue of what the ultimate question happened to be was still under much debate, (the previous question having been labeled a hoax quite recently) the Doctor came to the conclusion that the ultimate question of life, the universe and everything, was in fact hidden away in the concepts and messages of the book sat in his lap.

Being the Doctor, it is hard for others to fully comprehend how he came to these conclusions but it went a little like this…

"Would you eat them in a box?

Would you eat them with a fox?" The Doctor read aloud, and placing a finger to his lips began to contemplate why the strange furry character was so apposed to trying the green eggs and ham that Sam-I-Am was offering. Could this stubbornness to stay with what you know and only believing what you already know to be true, be the downfall of the fluffy imbecile?

"I do so like,

Green eggs and ham,

Thank you!

Thank you,

Sam-I-Am.

That's IT!" shouted the Doctor triumphantly!

"If you only stay with what is known, nothing new ever can be known, making the impossible ultimately possible and the possible downright boring." His smile was spreading more widely across his face as if some great comprehention had dawned.

"Variety being the spice of life and all that drivel, we must throw ourselves into the unknown. And 42…The answer is 42…the question of life, the universe and everything is 'Would you like green eggs and ham?' the answer is 42 helpings! We must throw ourselves into the impossible and find what makes us happy, therefore not searching beyond our needs, only searching for what we already know and have in what we have never known."

The Doctor leapt to his feet and ran full pelt toward the console, his brown coat billowing behind him. He knew his destination and he knew that he was about to travel further than he had ever been before. Holding the book to his heart he now knew what he had to do.


	3. Chapter 3

Now Arthur Dent was a curious little man indeed. Wholly unremarkable for a member of the human race. Completely normal, nothing special, just an everyday, non-consequential human being. He liked pyjamas, and dressing gowns. He was also quite partial to his towel, which he was never seen without. This Arthur Dent fellow, was having a completely unremarkable day, well, as unremarkable as any day could be for a human being in the furthest reaches of the galaxy. The last thing that Arthur was expecting on this unremarkable day, was a visit from a rather remarkable man. The Doctor to be precise. Not that Arthur knew who the Doctor was upon meeting him for the first time, something that the Doctor was quickly offended by.

"You mean not once? Not one single time? The Doctor…last of the Time Lords…of the ancient race of Gallifrey…the oncoming storm…you haven't heard of me not even once?"

"Sorry." And he seemed it too, deeply apologetic in that guilty but pleasantly polite way that only the British seem to have mastered.

"But you must have heard of me…I'm…I'm…I've heard of you…and you haven't even done much. All you do is bumble around space in pyjamas. I bumble around space helping people, saving lives, occasionally in pyjamas admittedly, but usually looking sharp and snazzy in my sexy suit!" The Doctor felt deeply wounded that Arthur Dent could do hardly anything at all and still get recognized, talked about and invited to all the best parties, while he, the Doctor, tried his hardest to help out and as a result got shunned and avoided. The universe was unfair like that…but never mind. He knew his mission and what he had to do, which was precisely why he had tracked down Arthur at the end of the universe with a little business proposition in mind. Well…not so much a proposition…more of a request really.

"So, Arthur, how about a little deal? Spice up this space stuff and all? I want the blueprints for your I.I. Drive. In return I can give you this rather dashing towel." The Doctor spoke with a boyish charm, obviously trying to appeal to Arthur's laid back nature and as he spoke brought out a large polka dotted towel from within his coat.

"O.K., uh…I suppose." Said Arthur unsurely, "but I have more towels than the whole of bloody Earth now…if I ever get another towel I'll turn into one! How about something else? I can't just give away the prints for nothing you know. The Infinite Improbability Drive isn't something exactly common. It's worth a fair bit."

"Fine," replied the Doctor trying to conceal his frustration at not only being less known that the ape in front of him but also being denied something by a simple human. "How about you come to the Tardis with the prints and you can work out what it is that you require in return?"

With this fact settled, the two men entered the Tardis and as the Doctor began examining the blueprints, Arthur wandered around different rooms, ignoring the Doctor's warnings that the Tardis was much bigger than people thought, trying to decide what his prize would be. After a couple of hours and much swearing and jumping around achieved by the Doctor as he mused over the Infinite Improbability Drive and worked out exactly how it could be installed into his precious Tardis, Arthur returned with what he had chosen from the ship.

"Pyjamas? You want the pyjamas Rose nicked off Howard for me at Christmas?"

"Your girl gave you another mans pyjamas? Wow…that's just…cheap!"

The Doctor glared at Arthur ferociously. He liked those pyjamas. Rose had cared for him in those just after he had regenerated. He had been lying unconscious in bed in those pyjamas, oblivious to everything exept for the diligent care she had taken with him. Mopping his brow, whispering encouragement and how much she worried for him. That's why he liked those pyjamas. Because they represented her and just a fraction of what she had done for him.

"shut up Dent! Why do you want them? They're just pyjamas."

"Exactly," stated Arthur happily. "they're just pyjamas. Just what I want. Mine are getting a bit too scraggly now, seen better days."

"but why these pyjamas? There must be a thousand different sets of pyjamas in my ship. Why these? What's so special about them. Why not have blue ones, or silk ones, or ones with three arm-holes or ones with girlish frills? Why my pyjamas?"

"stripy." The answer, although short, could not be faulted for accuracy. The man wanted stripy pyjamas. More specifically, the Doctor's favourite pair of stripy pyjamas. The Doctor felt a deep reluctance to part with his beloved pyjamas. He didn't like to think of them as a trading commodity…that was just weird. He did however, eventually agree to the trade. And so with the blueprints in his hands the Doctor set about installing the legendary Drive into his precious Tardis as Arthur left quite happily with his pyjamas, humming a little song to himself.

Within days, which was shocking considering how in-adept the Doctor was when it came to fixing or even driving the Tardis, the Infinite Improbability Drive was installed and the Doctor was ready to embark upon the one journey he never imagined he could make.


	4. Chapter 4

The Doctor had now performed the near impossible, for him to build something on the Tardis that actually worked was an achievement in itself. He stood back admiring his work and singing to himself,

"I believe in miracles, where you from, you sexy thing, OH, I believe in miracles, where you from…you sexy doctor."

As his singing echoed around the TARDIS, the Doctor watched a rather large blue and white button that was newly installed in the console, and grinned at it. He always liked the big buttons. Bit of a shame that it wasn't big and red and threatening, but hey, it didn't need to be threatening this time. He was just pleased that it was there, and it was a button, and it was all glowing just so, and definitely looked like it would be fun to press.

Oh the fun that could be had with buttons.

Oh the fun that _would_ be had with buttons. Specifically, that large blue and white button blinking so invitingly up at him. He stood back and admired it. He could not just press it nonchalantly. This was a momentous occasion, the make-or-break as it were. The moment that could define the rest of his life.

If this worked, he would not be so alone any more. He would be whole again.

He steeled himself with determination. The anticipation and exhilaration of the knowledge of what he was about to do coursed through his veins, rushing it seemed, a thousand times faster than anything should. His heartbeats sounded thick and steady in his ears. He tried to steady himself, calming his breathing, going through a mental drum roll to full scale orchestral accompaniment.

He took a deep breath, held it…and pressed down hard on the button.

The infinite improbability drive roared into action right in front of a maniacally grinning Doctor. He was, however, not grinning for long. Indeed, before long he had even lost the capability to grin.

As most people are now fully aware, the infinite improbability drive guides the user through the troubles of hyper space almost instantaneously by simultaneously calculating and predicting every possible outcome to every possible route. Unfortunately, for said user, this process has a rather unfortunate side affect, namely transmogrification of the user and whatever vessel he or she may be travelling in. To put it simply, the vessel and crew would turn into any number of unlikely things while travelling through hyper space before levelling out back to normal in the safety of real space.

The Tardis, being such an ancient and powerful being, existing outside the parameters of time and space, was above such petty meddling. The Time Lord on the other hand, was not.

He remained standing, just as he had been, although something felt different, something felt…wobblier? His whole body in fact felt less solid, he felt all wibbly and shaky, but not in the usual way that one could shake, he seemed to jiggle and sway without control. Even his heartbeats did not sound right, they did not thump as usual but bubbled and blooped as if his whole body were…no… "Oh RASILLON!" thought the Doctor as he looked down at his arm which was now an almost ungodly shade of pink and made entirely of jelly.

The Doctor looked down at the rest of him only to find that his whole body was the same – bright pink and implausibly wobbly. As the Tardis lurched he fell, with a very undignified _splat,_ onto the floor. As he lay there he decided that he might as well make the most of his embarrassing predicament and attempted to perform a shimmy which he found to his delight made his whole being wobble with such fervour that the sensation was actually quite enjoyable. Although he was finding it increasingly difficult to restrain himself from eating his own head, which he had to admit at least _felt_ extremely tasty. A fleeting thought passed through the Doctor's head…if he were to say make a quick pit stop for a 'call of nature', would that be jelly too? His childish curiosity had got the better of him and he began to wobble and quiver his way to the bathroom, however before he could even make it to the door, there was a sharp popping sound, like a suction cap being pulled off a window and the Doctor felt his steps to be far harder than before, causing him to lose his balance and topple with a disappointing thud onto the floor. He slightly missed the splatting sound. It had been far more satisfying than a thud. And although it was somewhat of a relief to be back to normal, he couldn't help but be disappointed that he did not get to conduct his 'experiment'.

So, with his usual form resumed, there was the small matter of where he happened to be. Just where had he exited hyper space? Was it where he needed to be? The right time, the right location, the right world? He walked over to the console, keeping his excitement in check just barely. The grin of before was firmly planted on his face and there was a definite spring in his step.

He went to the view screen and checked the data displayed, frowning slightly, he changed channels so as to get an actual visual of where he had ended up.

Raxacoricofallapatorious.

"Damn!"

Definitely not where he wanted to be. Not that he had anything against it of course. Lovely planet. Unfortunately the home of a family with rather questionable morals that had tried to kill him, but he really couldn't hold that against it.

No no no…it just wouldn't do. He'd have to try again.

He reached out, hand over the button, ready to press it.


	5. Chapter 5

As soon as the Doctor's hand slammed onto the blinking button, an almighty lurch could be felt throughout the Tardis. He felt a strange sensation like being pulled in all directions at once yet being compressed down into the tiniest of tiny spaces all at once. For a moment he was everywhere and nowhere, everything and nothing, until reality realigned itself and he could once more feel his little tootsies at the end of his feet, as opposed to feeling his little tootsies above his head although since Rose had come aboard the Tardis, this position had not been unusual.

Oh the memories he had. Lying with her, wrapped up in her curves. Her body entwined with his in pure ecstasy as she writhed beneath him, delicate beads of sweat forming on her face as she strained to keep her face controlled. She moaned and he could feel her breath on his neck, sending shivers throughout his entire body. Her long legs would wrap around him and he could feel the heat emanating from her as she panted and adjusted them both, moving together in perfect synchronicity. Just one more move and she would fall, he would send her over the edge. Yes he liked a good game of twister. Good practice for all those long lonely nights running from alien threats…it helped to be in good shape after all. He always won…although Rose was far more flexible than he had imagined…perhaps he would remember that for uh…future reference.

But, his thoughts were wandering. He had better things to worry about than whether he could maintain his undisputed title as Tardis Twister Champion. He wondered briefly whether he had turned into solidified gelatine goods again. He half hoped that he had. He had quite enjoyed the wobbling, and the jiggling, and indeed the squelching too. It took him a few moments to realise that no, he had not turned into jelly on this particular occasion. Shame. He wondered what had actually happened this time. He was feeling decidedly Doctor-esque, so maybe he hadn't changed at all. But something must have happened.

He looked around, trying to discern what had happened this time, but everything seemed normal. The Tardis was as it should be. He was as he should be. The miniature pink Daleks with Dolly Parton wigs where as they…oh…wait…"Huh?"

Hordes of angry fuchsia knee-high pepper pots with bright yellow mass of curls, not unlike the terrible monstrosity that was Jackie Tyler's hair back in the 80s. now that was a terrifying thought. Daleks crossed with Jackie Tyler. A formidable enemy. A certain Timelord's worst nightmare.

He backed away from the miniature menaces, hoping to Rassilon that they would not notice him. 'Just the oncoming storm folks, nothing to worry about, pretend like I'm not even here.' He was however, running low on luck and fortune. They turned as one to face him, around twenty of the little blighters, and said in one unified squeak, "Exterminate."

The Doctor paled. Daleks were one thing, but these pint-sized pests were too much. Daleks were wrong, but these were hideous. There were no words for how utterly foul and horrifying, although, he could already envision Rose demanding to keep one on the Tardis as a pet. She had always been fond of unattractive useless strays…look at Mickey, or Adam. Yes Rose definitely had very bad taste in pets. Now Arthur, there was a good pet. All big and horse-like. Was quite a good ride too. Very much like the Doctor himself. As Rose had pointed out many times…or at least that was what the Doctor heard in his head every time she started speaking about visiting her mother, or anything about Mickey…yes the Doctor heard Rose say many pleasing things whenever he blocked out what she was really saying. She never seemed to be wearing clothes on these occasions either…strange that.

But yes, the Daleks. Or the Jaleks as they would forever more be known in his head. They were approaching, alarmingly fast.

"Exterminate…by song." They squealed.

"No no no…wait. If I'm going to be exterminated by…" gulp "…song, then there's something I need to do first, otherwise nobody would ever believe it." He rummaged around in the depths of his coat. Rubber duck. Rubber gloves. Rubber…oops…put that back. "I know it's here somewhere…come on…come ooon." He elongated the vowel sounds into a pitiful and petulant whine. "Socks? What are they? Oh…ah…holding a toothbrush inside eh? Sneaky devil! Aha…eureka! And remind me never, ever, to say that again." He waggled his eyebrows and a slender finger in the direction of the Jaleks, as if reprimanding them. "I knew it was here somewhere." He pulled out a Polaroid camera and flashed a grin at the nearest Jalek. "Would you mind terribly? It's just for the record." Without waiting for a reply he lunged at the creature, putting his arm around it and lifting it up to his level. He turned the camera to face them, snapped the button just as his free hand gave the thumbs up and his face smooshed into the frizzy fake hair.

Taking advantage of the Jaleks momentary loss of sight from the specialised Doctor-tinkered-with flash, he moved away from the group of fiends and closer to the door. Before long, they were advancing yet again, promising extermination via the media of song.

"Workin' 9 to 5  
What a way to make a livin'  
Barely getting by"

"No, no, NO! No more. Please. I can't take it."

"Its all takin'  
And no givin'  
They just use your mind"

"Please…just kill me. Anything but this. ARGH!" he clamped his hands tight over his ears yet could not keep out all of the harsh cacophony that assaulted him.

"And they never give you credit  
Its enough to drive you  
Crazy if you let it"

He ran the rest of the way to the doors, threw them wide open, not caring where the Tardis was. He'd throw himself out into the vortex if need be, anything just to make this stop.

He did not have to throw himself into the vortex after all, but the lush and green gardens of a large stately home. But the voices didn't seem to be reaching him. He looked back to the Tardis and saw that the Jaleks were nowhere in sight. They had gone, miraculously, amazingly, gone from his presence. He collapsed onto the grass, breathing deeply, trying to convince the oxygen to make it to his lungs.

He ran his hands through his hair repeatedly, fisting and knotting it in his fingers, enjoying the fact that his head had not exploded. He sighed audibly, clear with relief, just listening to the peace and tranquillity all around him.

"Doctor? Is it you, have you returned to me? You had promised but I admit I was beginning to doubt. Well say hello to me."

The Doctor stood abruptly, pulling harder at his hair at looking at her wildly.

"Hello…err…you." He looked around, taking in the appearance of Reinette and the location that he had landed in. "So this is…France. Ha, France. I'm standing in France. This bit is France. That bit is France. Even that lovely fence over there. French. Very French. Frenchy fence. Heh…marvellous. Anyway…very busy…got to go." He turned on his heel, clearly about to head back to the Tardis.

"Wait. My Doctor. My angel. I waited for you. You cannot leave now, we have so much to discuss. We must reacquaint ourselves. Oh I have waited so very long. My Doctor."

He turned back to her, an aching apology ready to spill forth from his lips.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Reinette."

"I don't understand. Do I not hold a place in your heart? My lonely angel, answer me."

He sighed again, a heavy and mournful sound. "I am not your Doctor. I am not your lonely angel. I'm sorry, but the truth is these hearts aren't mine to give anymore. They were never mine to give. They've always been hers. Hers to poke and prod and wrap up tight."

Reinette made to step closer to him. She stopped and rethought before gaining courage and walking to him, cupping his cheek in her delicate hand. "And what of me? What am I to do?"

"Oh you don't need me. You've got the king of France to play with. And all of the courtiers. You'll have plenty to do." He looked pensive for a moment and a little sheepish. "Can I go now?"

She opened her mouth to say something else but he was already charging away, back to the Tardis, maniacal grin firmly affixed on face. "Well…better be off…things to see…people to do. Oh wait, strike that, reverse it…on second thoughts…don't bother."

And with that, he returned to the Tardis, much to the disappointment of Reinette, and was off to the next adventure of his quest.


	6. Chapter 6

"Right!" The Time Lord exclaimed, preparing himself for yet another fiasco on his quest. He stood before the console, trying to block out the sound of a whining French aristocrat banging her fists against the doors of the TARDIS. Now really, how was he supposed to concentrate with that racket. Some people were so inconsiderate.

"Oh will you SHUT UP! You're as bad as Donna. Could never shut her up either. Some people just don't know when to stop talking, it's like they just babble on and on and it's so pointless, might as well just be talking to themselves like I …am…oh." Maybe that's why Rose always had a blank expression on her face when he spoke, he had always just thought she was admiring him, or playing out a Doctor and Rose porn show in her head. That was a rather distressing realisation for the Doctor and so it was now somewhat dejectedly that he reached towards the blue button ready to try again.

He slammed his hand down on the button and cried out "Green Eggs and Ham for meee! HA!" The rotor came to life instantly and the room was filled with the familiar turquoise glow as the Doctor was as usual sent flying, colliding with the railing on his way. Some day he would really have to learn how to fly this thing properly. And then with a giant crash the TARDIS landed and the Doctor was sent head first back into the console.

Recovering surprisingly quickly, even for a Time Lord, the Doctor was up and bouncing towards the doors, eager to see where he was and what was out there. He threw open the double doors in true 'I have arrived' fashion but was startled by what he saw.

"Cardiff? CARDIFF? Always Cardiff, never Peru, or Narnia or Bikini Bottom! Cardiff, Cardiff, Cardiff…Cardiff…Cardiff Cardiff. What's so great about…oh…hello…er!"

The Doctor unknowingly during this little Cardiff tirade had been walking around aimlessly in the direction of a rather shocked couple. The man, a little shorter than average height wearing a leather jacket, had his mouth open, silently gaping at the unexpected arrival. The woman, a pretty and dark haired thing, somewhat familiar was kneeling in front of the man, and her mouth was open too, but with something shiny and liquidy running down her chin. They stared at the Doctor and the Doctor stared back. It was night time and these two seemed to be the only ones around.

The Doctor, not quite grasping why the woman seemed to be frothing at the mouth looked more closely at the situation, trying to take in the full scope of the scene splayed around him.

Woman kneeling in front of man…check. Her hands grasping his hips…check. Mans trousers down around his….

"Oh GOD! Dear…I'm so so…well gee…uh…gosh this is…"

The woman seemed to come to her senses and made to move away from the man and the compromising situation they had been found in. this of course left the Doctor with an unobstructed view of the man's…

"Ah…no…eee." He spun around frantically with his hands clasped over his eyes, trying to shield himself from the obviously embarrassing truth. He continued to spin, gaining momentum and in is his confused and terrorised state, not quite grasping the logistics of the theory of stopping.

For the second time in as many minutes, there was an almighty crash and the time Lord came tumbling down. The woman, who had by now surreptitiously managed to wipe her face and look somewhat less dishevelled, ran over to the Doctor just as another pair of footsteps could be heard making a hasty approach.

Hard boots could be heard pounding the pavement, getting closer and closer.

Jack Harkness came hurtling around the corner at break neck speed, and went flying over the Doctor's prone form, still lying on the floor. He tumbled over and hit his head hard on the concrete. His hand came up to cradle his cranium and he surveyed the scene through squinted eyes. Looking up, his eyes met the Doctor's and a pained frown soon became and expression of pure joy.

"DOCTOR!" Jack launched himself at the puzzled and still highly confused Doctor and proceeded to attach his arms around him and give him a big wet juicy kiss. As he emerged from the Time Lord's mouth he for the first time noticed Gwen who was sat beside them looking confused and more than a little guilty.

"Gwen, I'd like you to meet the Doctor, the _right_ Doctor." At this Gwen's eyes widened and she blushed guiltily and mumbled a hello. Jack scanned the rest of the scene and just caught Owen hastily pulling up his trousers.

"Oh God. Well Doc that's Gwen and um…that is Owen. Can't keep his pants on for more than five minutes, we're trying to train him but Gwen here keeps setting us back. They're like two horny teenagers. I'd be annoyed but I can't say I wouldn't do the same. I only wish I'd been here earlier to join them!" Joked Jack with a flirtatious wink in Gwen's direction.

Owen was now dressed again and had composed himself, or at least tried to and was walking slowly back to the Hub a little disappointed that his fun had been cut short. This left Gwen with Jack and the infamous Doctor, who was by now sitting up and eyeing Jack with a knowing frown.

"Still the same Jack, you manage to flirt somewhere between meeting someone and saying hello." Smirked the Doctor "So still playing Earth defence then Jack?"

"Well, what can I say, someone's gotta do it, and who better than the dashingly handsome one?"

"And it also helps the fact that when you get killed, you can get back up, get killed again and tire the bad guys out that way!" piped up Gwen.

Jack looked at her in exasperation. "Gwen…that was only that one time. I have many qualities that make me perfect for the job. If they're dangerous I defeat them, if they're not, I charm them."

The Doctor looked at him with raised and amused eyebrows. "Don't even think of trying either with me Captain."

"Oh come on Doc, you and Rose couldn't wait to get me defrocked."

"Well Rose always did have something for the stupid pretty boys"

"Doctor, just admit it, you want me, you always have and you always will. _You want it, you want it…you want me, you want to hug me, you want to smooch me_, admit it."

Gwen, in the meantime, had been finding this banter childish and slightly dull. This was not what she had envisioned when she had first heard of the infamous Doctor. "Well, you two can stay here and discover who wants what from who, but it's cold out here and I'm going back to the Hub."

Jack looked at her with a cheeky grin. "so cold that you and Owen were out here…skipping to warm up. God Gwen, it's so cold out here I'm surprised that you could even find what to suck…this weather must have shrivelled it to…"

"JACK!" The Doctor and Gwen shouted at the same time.

"That's just…oh God…thanks for that mental image." The Doctor tried to shake the disturbing thought from his head, but it remained steadfast and refused to budge. "Anyway, 'Suck it and See' over there is right, it's freezing out here. I need a cup of tea. Take me to the Hub."


End file.
